today's gratitude (s.o.s. to Alison)

is for a friend so close that I knew I could call her and say "I am stuck in my wedding gown and I need your help, please." and I knew that she would be right over and that we would laugh and take a picture with her iphone or mine.

I will tell you how this happened, so far as I myself am able to understand it.

When I was twelve, I did some fashion modeling in New York. It was not a healthy experience for me, and had the unexpected effect of making me feel chubby, unattractive and unhappy.

I thought it would be healing to do some modeling again, now that I am grown up, and lately, underemployed, but with a healthier self image, thanks in part to living in the Midwest, where standards of beauty and thinnness are a bit more generous. So, last year, I hired the fabulous and adorable Gina Weathersby to shoot a portfolio's worth of pictures of me, printed up a stack of head shots, and signed up with an agency here in town.

It has not been going well. First of all, I do not go on most auditions that come my way because I do not relate to the products, services, or personality I am being asked to market or portray. And those that I do go to, well, I just do not get the job. Not a single one. I have committed to seeing it through for the duration of my one year contract. (No Sarah Palin, I!). But this commitment is becoming increasingly painful to keep. I thought that I could be a role model for the girls I mentor and teach, by showing them that I am modeling without worrying about my weight and appearance. But it is just not working out that way at all.

Well, today, without realizing quite I was getting into, I spent over two hours preparing and waiting to hold a bottle of Mr. Clean and a bright green cleaning cloth. Then I went to another audition, where I pretended to win at blackjack, so that the casino company shooting a commercial here next week can decide whether they want to pay me $2000 to do that for them.

I was feeling less than great about myself by the end of all of this. Being compared to others on a completely superficial basis, and then not getting chosen, is not a big boost for the self esteem. But I knew I had enough time to turn my day around if I chose my next activity wisely.

Celebrating my inner child, I decided to spend the remaining portion of the school day selecting and planning my Purim costume for tomorrow night. Who was judged on her looks alone but triumphed for other reasons entirely? Queen Esther! Fine, I would find a way to go to the megillah reading dressed as Esther. Now, I do not weigh myself, but the first garment I tried to put on had a lot of infomation for me about the size that I currently am NOT. I remembered only belatedly that the last time I fit into that dress I was being told by everyone that I was getting too thin, except for one guy who saw me in it and thought I was a man, but I digress. That was a while ago. Like five years.

So, next, I hoisted my wedding gown off its hanger. I remember not feeling too terribly thin on my wedding day, just comfortable and happy, which is how I wanted to feel this afternoon. So, I stepped into the dress and zipped it up, until I reached the "small" of my back, which evidently is not quite as small as it was in 1999. Go figure. But it seemed, upon examining the situation in the mirror, that I was not far from my goal. I sucked it in, rearranged it as much as possible, and tried again. So close, but yet so far. If only someone were here to help...

So, I took off the dress, but as I did, I remembered that on my wedding day I had gotten into the dress by quite a different method. My sister had held the crinolines apart and I dove in from the bottom and wiggled my way out of the top. So, I zipped the dress and hooked it closed, too, so that my struggle would not compromise the zipper, and I proceeded to wiggle my way in from the bottom. Except that this time, prezipped and without a helper, I got stuck.

Picture Winnie the Pooh visiting Rabbit's for a smackering of honey, and then trying to leave the way he came in. As much as I could not come through the top of the dress any more than I had, I also could not get back out. I tried, and I also tried to un-hook the dress while I was stuck in it, but my upper arms were trapped in a vertical (upward) position and I could not reach the hooks. Fortunately, I was able to bend over from the waist to dial the phone and put it on speaker. For that, and for being able to reach Alison on that phone, I am truly, deeply, grateful.

Whew!