Meditations on Love

I did a lot of work this weekend.

That was Paul's comment when I was done reading my journal to him, last night, the record of my thoughts and experiences at my weekend silence retreat.

I'm guessing some of you would like to hear about it. If you are one of the people whom I told about last year's silence retreat, let me just say that my experience this year could not have been more different. At this point, if you like, you can skip a couple of a paragraphs.

If you don't know about last year, I had arrived at Hope Springs under a burden of great stress. I was in the middle of litigating a child support matter with my ex-husband, and I was deeply worried about money. Also, ten years into a search for my spiritual path, I was feeling called to consider entering the rabbinate, and I was overwhelmed by what that would mean for my family, both financially and logistically.

Last year, in the silence, I received a visit from the soul that had briefly inhabited the body of a child I lost six months after conception. The visit was very positive and loving, but caused a huge flood of emotions, including grief over not having been able to give birth to that child. It was the first time I had allowed myself to receive messages from Spirit without the use of an intermediary, and I came home very drained, spent.

Fast forward to last Friday night. Mary, the leader of the retreat, immediately commented that I seem very changed from last year. More peaceful, more balanced. I told her it's been a very big year for me. I told her I learned since last year at Hope Springs that I do not need to become a rabbi, that I do not need to BECOME anything or anyone, just be myself and let what I am doing evolve and develop naturally, day by day. "Wow," she said, "you ARE really different!" and I smiled and thanked her for that observation.

I'm going to spare you the travelogue and cut right to the lessons I learned, or received from Spirit, over the next 42 hours, but I just want to say that the messages I received were delivered by a female Spirit in the form a spiraling violet light, in the most gentle way you can possibly imagine. This is what I received:

Love is in you, always has been.

You do not need anything more than that.

Your life lesson is one of Independence, that you have it All within Yourself.

You were set up to reject where you began so that you would go and blossom on your own, able to give and receive love, needing nothing more and knowing this.

Your children are strong and know who they are. You do not need to protect them as much as you once thought. You are the safety net that holds them no matter what. Grandparents, Teachers, Friends are Peripheral. Let them be. It's all good.

As for your sister's suffering, stop laying Blame. Let go of Anger. We are Each on Our Path. We have Each made Our Choice of Lessons and Work to do. No person or people is/are the Source of another's Trouble or Pain. We are each in Internal Struggle to Find the Way. Let it Be. Do your Own Work.

Giving and Receiving, Charity and Prosperity. These are all connected, as is Asking for What you are Worth, and Giving with your Whole Heart. Also, by Creating Sacred Space and Expressing Beauty, by using our Gifts in Dance, Movement, Music, Art and Writing, and by Performing, we are Sharing and this is Good, so long as it comes from the Soul.

Sharing truth is sacred.

Let go of the Pain

Grab Hold of the Lesson

Write what you Know

Teach what you Know

Keep doing what you are doing

You are already plugged into all the Love in the Universe. It comes right through you. Keep sharing it.

Love is infinite, not a commodity, and it costs nothing to share.

Parents are no more wise or enlightened than children, unless they have done the work to become so. We should not, therefore, hold any adults to a higher standard, but instead, try to acknowledge the suffering child within them, just as we do within ourselves.

Wow. That's a lot to receive. And by walking with this, and sitting with this, this is what I now understand:

The reason I have always thought (think) of myself as an underachiever is that my father always told me we shared that characteristic, but that was never about me. I now realize that every bit of meanness in my father comes from suffering in his own childhood. He parented the best that he was able, given that he had not healed his own suffering child.

Bringing up three boys while blogging, painting murals and sets, making pants, teaching, serving on a board and sitting on a executive committee, playing in an orchestra...who would have time to do all this and also meditate daily, practice yoga, and make her own juice, and also keep up with everyone's laundry and dishes, plan, shop for and provide wonderful meals nearly every day, only to find, of course, that nobody can eat at the same time because of rehearsals and basketball practice and piano lessons and...it is TIME...to give myself a huge break and some credit for all that I do, including being present as a Friend, instead of focusing on what I don't manage to do, like study Torah, be in a book club, or take over the world, like my father said either one of us could do, if only we were to apply ourselves fully, and be more organized.

I am going to work on writing love letters to each of my parents, because I understand that to do so does not make me or my children any more vulnerable. I will write as many drafts of these letters as are required to distill each one down to nothing but love. Love engenders love, but criticism engenders defensiveness, hurt and anger. Complaint does not lead to healing. I will do this work with no expectation of a change in my life, but simply because I am able to do it.

There is no love pie, with only a limited number of slices. When I saw my visiting spirit guide retreat from me, I still felt a connection to her and to a constant stream of love from wherever she dwells. I can tap into that for whatever use I want, and that is what I will do. I am here in this lifetime to learn and practice true compassion, which means withholding love from nobody. This does not mean that everyone is my friend, and that eveyone can actively participate in my life.

While I was at Hope Springs, I heard a speech about Healing Our World Family. After hearing those words, I sat down and meditated on this idea and this is what came to me, from I know not what source:

This seems naive. That is Not to say that it isn't a good thing to Promote Peace, Foster Common Understanding, and Support Relating to One Another, But We Are Different and Not All Meant to Be as One While on this Earth. This World is a Realm of Struggle. It is okay to give up on a person, after you have offered them your love. It is okay to Walk Away and Say "This is All We can Do Now. Not Everyone is Our Friend."

I have made that judgment with regard to my parents. But that does not mean I cannot still send them love. It only means that I do not expect that by so doing that I will be able to heal us as a family. I have previously received messages from Spirit releasing me from that burden. I am left to do as I wish with the current of infinite love that runs through me. I am free to be compassionate, without expectation.

Just to be.

Thanks for reading.

Namaste.