marriage and divorce

I've been married before this, and divorced. Because of this fact, friends sometimes ask me for advice about possibly ending their own marriage. It's a tricky thing to advise others about. I'm not a marriage expert. The only "training" I've had is from being in two marriages and listening to and observing other people in theirs. From these experiences, I have reached the conclusion that marriage is hard. It is an important, long term, demanding commitment, and it takes work. Ideally, it should provide a help mate, another half, a partner, lover and friend, someone who completes you. Every marriage, like every person, every pair of people, is unique. Marriage is ultimately a private relationship.

A friend asked me today if my recent statement of gratitude was secret message to her about her own marriage, which seems to be in jeopardy. It was not; that is not how I work. I write from my heart, here and elsewhere, and when I want to tell a friend something, I write them a private message, or call them up, invite them to coffee and then speak from the heart.

The availibility of divorce means people today have options. In the past, if one partner stopped working on the marriage, causing the other person not to get their needs met, the disappointed person was stuck living out their days with the selfish person. The threat or possibility of divorce can be used as leverage to motivate a complacent or selfish partner to change their behavior. That may be one of the best things about divorce. The other good thing about it is that it gives you another chance to be happy, to learn from your mistakes, an escape hatch. Because being with the wrong person can be much lonelier than being alone. Similarly, raising a child with the wrong person can be much harder than raising that child alone.

Obviously, divorce is a very big decision, and not one to be taken lightly. It affects lives deeply and permanently. But sometimes it is the best answer. I am sure some people who initiate divorce later regret it, but I can only speak for myself, and that was not true for me, not for a moment. There is a joke that resonates with a lot of divorced people and it goes like this:

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.