tonight's gratitude (sharing the love)

If you read this blog ten days ago, you know I recently had a weekend full of powerful insights about love while I walked and sat in snow covered silence at Hope Springs. I came away with the intention of writing love letters to both my parents. I began by embroidering a positive meditation, or prayer, on my pants: May I be able to recognize and touch the seeds and joy and happiness in myself. I re-read the words of essential truth that had come to me during the silence, and I wrote them here. I meditated on the idea that when one person hurts another, it may come out of their own suffering, perhaps out of suffering they experienced as a child. Then, I meditated on each of my parents as children and I felt that they were hurt by not getting the love that they wanted or needed.

I spent many hours since then writing to my parents. Someone protective of me asked me why I was doing this, and I replied "because I have the power to." Previously, I had believed myself incapable of completing such a task. For several years, I had allowed my heart to be clouded by anger. I thought I was unable to express love for my parents without saying something negative to overshadow it, thus inviting more anger and negativity upon myself. This week, I proved all that to be untrue. On Monday, I mailed my mother a memo pad that was one half-full of handwritten, loving thoughts. I left the other pages blank. Today, remembering that he has asked many times not to communicate to him by letter, I sent a long and loving email to my father. I expect that my communication to them arrived at roughly the same time.

In these notes to my parents, I was able to share with them all my happiest memories of being their child. I edited out all mention of anything painful I experienced as their child, from which, I am deeply grateful to be able to say, I have already grasped meaning and wisdom. I recalled every birthday gift they gave me from about the age of nine. I acknowledged many of the kindnesses and sacrifices they made on my behalf. I reminisced about our sweetest moments together, places they took me, activities they did with me, experiences they provided. I articulated what I loved most about them. I told them what makes me think the most fondly of them today. I defined what made me most proud of them when I was growing up. I described how they had most enriched my life. I listed the positive ways they have influenced my parenting. I tried to let them know, in the sincerest way I could, that I know they gave me everything they possibly could have.

I found this experience far less difficult than I imagined it would be. I am both blessed and cursed with a powerful memory, and found I needed to edit out about 60 to 80 percent of what popped into my head in order to accomplish the goal I had set for myself. But having done it, I realize what an act of self-love it really was. I recognize and exult at the celebration of love that it represents. And I recommend this practice to each and every one of you.

Think of someone for whom it is very difficult for you to feel love in any sustainable way. There is doubtless someone important in your life, or in your past, who lives according to a set of values that you abhor, perhaps someone who is deeply critical of some of the significant choices you have made in your life. They do not understand the way you live. You, in turn, wonder why they are the way they are. My suggestion to you is to try to meditate about them. As you sit peacefully, send them some love from your heart. Remember that love is both free and infinite. Then, when you are fully alert, try to write down all the positive things you can possibly say about this person, past or present. You may find that you have given yourself a great gift. You may want to share it. I am glad that I did.

As a result of this exercise, I am happy to discover that I actually feel better about my parents. I feel more grateful for them than I did before. I realize that the pain they caused me did not occur because I was lacking in some way, or less than I should or might have been. I better understand that my parents really and truly loved me the best way they knew how, and that eveything they did was done with good intentions. I feel more peaceful, more well being, less anger and less hurt because I was able to sit with these loving thoughts, cataloguing the love I received from my parents, and the love I felt and feel for them.