six degrees of perception

I recently googled myself (do you do this, too?) and was surprised, and deeply delighted, to see that a complete stranger had referenced my blog in his work with adolescent girls. While evidently quite unaware that I also do work to try to empower girls, Slashtipher Coleman cited this blog in his own, as an example of the power of positivity, and recommended to the girls in his program that they emulate my practice of articulating gratitude. It blew me away to realize that I had been recognized, or perceived, in this particular and very positive way, by someone I have never met.

Except by those closest to us, we never REALLY know how we are perceived, but we are especially in the dark as to how we impress those whom we have never met. I suppose that famous people deal with this all the time, thanks to paparazzi, tabloids and Entertainment television, but mercifully, I do not attract that type or degree of attention. The truth is that since completing my OWN adolescence, as I have become more and more comfortable in my own skin, I have devoted less and less time to wondering what others think of me. This is not to say that I don't care. I care greatly and deeply about a great number of people. And if I didn't care how I was perceived, I suppose I would never google myself. Right? But I don't WORRY about it, or devote much energy or attention to it.

My close friends, my children and my husband have all been great teachers for me on the subject of how I am perceived, although they each a different portrait back to me. But what I cannot realize, and never have, is how strangers and new acquaintances tend to experience me, and I know this is both good and bad. I tend to be very genuine and open, and while people remark on this all the time, it is not the result of a conscious decision. I am that way naturally, because I don't have either the energy or interest in trying to be any other way.

But on the flip side, I tend not to consider whether people who don't know me well realize that I have just been sarcastic. Sarcasm is a lifelong habit that I am unlikely to break and of which I am also, generally unaware. In fact, when one of my kids recently asked if I was being sarcastic in what I had just said, I siad, or rather, yelled "No! I'm NOT sarcastic! Why do you always assume that I am being sarcastic? I am NOT being sarcastic!" Later, a friend pointed out to me that actually, I am sarcastic a great deal of the time. I guess it has just become so automatic to me...like being open, helpful, concerned, and all the other things that are by this point, very deeply ingrained.

I make friends easily, and I think it's because I am genuinely interested in people and also because I tend not to judge anyone (although I am inclined to lecture now and then). Sometimes, lately, I might feel a person has become a new friend, that she knows me, really gets me, and then I am really surprised when I realize she thought I was serious when I was actually joking around, or vice versa. At times like that, when I have been misperceived, I may take some time to let a new friend better understand who I really am, that is, how I understand myself to be, how I tick, how I operate, what motivates me, interests me, my philosophy of friendship. I also have enough experience now, in middle age, to understand how my friends tend to react to me and how they tend to hurt, help or disappoint me. Essentially, I can and will provide my own warning label at the start of a close friendship.

For example, I have lately spelled out some of the following terms to new friends: I will not humor you, I will not lie to you. I will tell you when I think you are delusional, I may point out your inconsistencies, I will comment when I see you doing what you told me you didn't want ever to do again. I will hold you accountable. I will help you whenever and however I possibly can. I will expect you to treat me as well as I do you, to tell me if you feel I've hurt or slighted you, if I sounded angry or if I was short with you, to be as honest with me as I am with you. Because life is too short, too busy, and too complicated to waste much time and energy on people with whom you can't have that kind of relationship.

As for this blog, well, I rarely think of what will happen with my words once I type them into the grey and blue box on my laptop screen. I don't spend much time editing. I often write to capture moments, the way many of you may do with a camera, paintbrush or scrapbook. Other times, I find that writing helps me sort out my thoughts. Afterwards, I might get an email from one or several of you, letting me know how my words impacted you. To learn that my connection with you has been deepened as a result of what I choose to share here is, for me, a beautiful bonus. But generally speaking, I am pretty self absorbed when I write, and rather unaware of my audience.

Today's post has been an exception. I wonder how it will be perceived. Will you be the person who tells me?