DAYENU

Dayenu is a Hebrew word that means approximately "it would have been enough" and we sing a song called Dayenu at Passover about what God did for us when we were slaves in Egypt. My grandmother referred to Dayenu some years ago, speaking about my parents, from whom I had been estranged. She told me to stop trying, that there was nothing more that I could do. But when she passed away last week, I allowed myself to believe that perhaps there was something SHE might be able to help me to do from the other side...

So, here is my new Dayenu, written today in her memory:

My ex-husband, upon whom I do not normally depend for kindness, said these words to me yesterday:
"I think you should feel really good about yourself. And when you look in the mirror, you should smile, because you were able to be the bigger person and you went up there and gave it your best effort."
DAYENU
he was referring to my grandmother's recent funeral, which, against advice of my therapist, I attended last week in Great Neck
DAYENU
not only did I rise hours before dawn, fly to New York, and rent a car, but I embraced my parents and rode with them in the limousine, and stood beside them at the grave
DAYENU
not only did I stand with them, but I allowed myself to be sequestered with my father while others ate bagels and cream cheese, white fish and lox, in the next room
DAYENU
not only did I sequester myself with him, but I listened patiently as he lectured, insulted and accused me and my children, while my shy, nine year old son stood outside the door, shmoozing with relatives he had only just met that morning
DAYENU
not only did I listen respectfully, but I also responded calmly, quietly, and lovingly, even as the time I had meant to depart faded into the past
DAYENU
not only was I patient and selfless, but I hugged my mother told her I loved her and that I was so sorry
DAYENU
not only was I kind to her on that day, but I called the next day to say we might come for Mother's day so we could all be together
DAYENU
not only did I offer to sacrifice my usual sweet, Yellow Springs, Mother's Day celebration to comfort my mother, but I also called each morning to tell her that I was thinking about her in her time of loss
DAYENU
not only did I call her each morning, but I listened to accounts of my father bragging to her, to my aunt and to others, about how he had really let me have it after the funeral, and how my mother had concurred
DAYENU
not only did I continue to call and listen repectfully as my father set out conditions on my family's proposed visit, and set out even more conditions on the resumption of our relationship...
still, I hesitated to tell them this:
ENOUGH ALREADY!

But I must do so. Mama was right.